


Imposter Syndrome

by belatedwannable



Category: AB6IX (Band), Produce 101 (TV), Produce X 101 (TV), UP10TION, X1 (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Insecurity, Vulnerability, imposter syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 21:27:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19894615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belatedwannable/pseuds/belatedwannable
Summary: Eunsang struggles to find his confidence after the results. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to struggle alone.





	Imposter Syndrome

“You look burdened.”

Eunsang froze when he heard those words from the doorway behind him. He thought he’d done a decent job of hiding his emotions while packing up his belongings, but it hadn’t been enough to fool Jeon Woong. “Hyung, you scared me. I wasn’t expecting to see you until the farewell dinner.”

“Well, I came by after practice to see if you needed help. And it looks like you do. What’s going through your mind?” Woong took a seat between Eunsang and a pile of folded t-shirts, as he waited for an answer.

When he’d rehearsed a dozen half-truths to avoid this very question, Eunsang was confident that he could gloss over the issue with just about anyone, but he found it impossible to meet Woong’s expectant gaze with anything less than full honesty. “I…I don’t think I should be doing this. I wasn’t supposed to be in X1. I just got lucky and took Jinhyuk hyung’s spot. He should be the one in my position. The X was created for people like him, not for people like me. The members, especially Wooseok hyung, I bet they wish I was Jinhyuk hyung instead. If I make mistakes, they’ll see…everyone will see that I’m a fake. I know it sounds like I’m ungrateful for the situation and I’m not. I’m just scared.” As his words rushed out, Eunsang’s shoulders shrank and his voice got smaller until it was just a whisper.

Woong wrapped his arms around the younger boy. Hearing familiar thoughts from another person sent pangs of pain through him and he murmured, “It’s alright. I know what you’re feeling. There’s actually a name for it because lots of other people feel it. We’re not alone.”

“We? You mean…” Eunsang looked up for confirmation and Woong nodded.

“I struggle with it too. It’s called imposter syndrome.” Woong took a deep breath and closed his eyes, briefly structuring his story before speaking again. “When my members asked me to join their group, I felt like they would discover at any moment that I wasn’t good enough and my dream would end again. For the longest time, I didn’t feel like I deserved my place. The other members had to reaffirm my worth so many times, even on national television broadcasts, for me to begin to believe it. I was sure that if I didn’t practice twice as hard and think about work every second of the day, they would regret their choice and see me as the imposter I really was.”

“And how did you get those thoughts to go away?”

Woong sighed. This was the hard part of the conversation. “The truth is that they’re still here, but they’re…quieter now. It’s taken a lot of work to get to this point. Acknowledging and naming your feelings is a great start, but sharing those feelings is even better. You did very well by talking to me, but you should tell some of your members at some point. This is normal and it’s likely that some of them have struggled with it too. Knowing that others share our concerns can make them a little less scary. Together, you’ll be able to help one another with lots of encouragement like my members have helped me. And if you want someone else to talk to, you have my number and I’d be honored to encourage you on your journey. I know how important it was for me to hear positive things about myself from others when all my brain highlighted were my mistakes.”

“Do you think they’ll understand?”

“I think so. Wooseok hyung might understand especially well and it might be good for you to talk to him about your struggles since they seem to center around his group member. I know that thought may seem frightening, but I think starting there would be worth it.”

“I’m not sure about this, but I trust you. Can I call you afterwards and tell you how it went?”

“Of course, you can.” With that, Woong pulled him a little tighter and cuddled him for as long as he could.

~~~~~~~~~

The move went surprisingly smoothly. Nobody had a meltdown. Nobody got hurt. Everything was in its proper place by the end of the night. With eleven members, Eunsang thought that surely something would go wrong, but the members who had done this before kept them all organized and consistently productive, giving them breaks and food when they got tired. Before the cameras arrived for their reality show as they chose their permanent rooms, they were given one night to themselves and Eunsang ended up in a room alone with Wooseok for the first time since the results night. For Eunsang, the tension felt suffocating until Wooseok broke the silence.

“You look stressed. What are you thinking about?”

Eunsang let out a big sigh. He was going to learn to cloak his emotions better in the future, but he remembered Woong’s words and decided that it was now or never. “I’ve been struggling with a thing called imposter syndrome. I know that Jinhyuk hyung should have made it here and I can’t help feeling that if I wasn’t here, he would be and that would be better for everyone. I’m worried that all the members, but especially you, see me as someone who fooled the nation into thinking I was ready to debut and got lucky. And if you don’t already think that, one mistake might make you change your mind.”

Wooseok’s brow furrowed as he processed the younger boy’s words. He had read the comments online and knew how strong the outcry was over the fact that his fellow member had ranked eleventh in the voting, meaning that if the X spot had never existed, Jinhyuk would have been with him now. He’d felt vindicated at first. If the public saw the unfairness of it all, then he could be justified in his own feelings of betrayal. What Wooseok hadn’t realized was the impact of those comments on the younger boy sitting on the bed in front of him, eyes downcast and hands trembling. It was time to remedy the damage done. Taking those hands in his own, he spoke, putting as much sincerity as possible behind his words. “Look at me, please. I should have said these things long ago and I’m sorry that I didn’t.”

After a short pause, Eunsang raised his head and looked into Wooseok’s eyes, evaluating his response and looking for any signs of anger or frustration. He found nothing but compassion.

Wooseok continued, “I was upset at the results because the system seemed to be rigged against Jinhyuk and me being together, but I need you to hear that I was never upset with you, not once. You couldn’t have asked for this to happen and you’ve worked just as hard as any of us have to be here. I’m glad you’re here. You belong here. We’ve been on the same team before and I’m relieved to have such a great team member by my side for the next few years. I can rely on you to do everything except read my lips with headphones on.”

Eunsang chuckled a bit before Wooseok pressed on.

“I’m…I’m sorry that you were in that position, but only because it’s one that carries so much pressure. You shouldn’t have to go through that. I struggle with imposter syndrome too and I know how scary it can feel even when you’re surrounded by people you’ve known for years. I can’t imagine what it’s like to struggle with it here with people you’ve only known for a matter of months. Thank you for being brave enough to tell me. From now on, I’ll do everything I can to encourage and affirm you through this process and I hope you’ll be willing to do the same for me. Mistakes are part of growing into better performers and people. We all make them and we expect you to do so too. You’re _human_. We all are and none of us expect you to be perfect when we aren’t perfect ourselves. We do expect you to work hard, but we all know you’ll do that without being asked. One last thing, Jinhyuk doesn’t want you to feel bad for taking the X spot either. He told me before coming here to make sure that _everyone_ knows they are worthy of their place in this group. I should have started saying that earlier, but I was afraid that a group setting wasn’t the right time.”

“I needed to hear that. Thank you. And I’m glad you told me now because I can do this.” Eunsang launched himself at Wooseok and wrapped him in a tight hug.

Wooseok reciprocated the affection and ran a hand through the younger boy’s hair as he murmured, “Make sure to tell me if those thoughts get too loud in your head. You can always come to me. I’ll be here for you.” He felt Eunsang nod against his shoulder and counted that as a small victory.

Later that week, when they got their phones back for a little while, Eunsang dialed Woong. “Hyung, I did exactly what you said and it worked! Wooseok hyung understood and said everything I’ve been needing to hear. He doesn’t blame me for Jinhyuk hyung’s absence and he thinks I belong here. I understand what you said about the thoughts being quieter now. They’re much better, but they’re still there.”

Hearing the boy’s excited tone, Woong smiled on the other end of the line at the result of a job well done. “I’m happy to hear that things worked out and I’m so proud of you for having that conversation. I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

“Hyung, I want to say thank you for your listening and your advice. If you hadn’t been there to talk to me, I wouldn’t have the courage or the words to talk about this. I wanted to give you and the other members something if that’s okay.”

Woong began, “You don’t have to do that,” but he was interrupted by a knock at the door. He opened it and found a delivery man with enough pizza and soda for all five of them. After thanking the man and taking the boxes, he spoke into the phone again, “I’ve changed my mind. All food offerings are greatly appreciated.”

Eunsang laughed. “You’re welcome, hyung. Tell the rest of them that I love and miss them. I have to go call my family now.”

“Will do! They’re going to love you even more now that you’ve bought them food. It’s truly the way to our hearts.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Bye!”

**Author's Note:**

> This may be obvious by now, but I struggle with imposter syndrome, and while I recognize that Jinhyuk’s situation was tragic, I feel especially for Eunsang. He didn’t ask for this to happen and I worry that people wishing it was Jinhyuk will wear on him. Eunsang’s such a mature performer that I forgot that he’s an ’02-liner and while any age is too young for this kind of pressure, remembering how young he is inspired me to write this. I think Woong would make a fantastic mentor for him since he’s had to overcome many similar thoughts. Watching him articulate his insecurities during the first interviews before and just after AB6IX’s debut resonated in achingly familiar ways for me. Anyways, I swear I can write smut, but for now, emotional hurt/comfort fics seem to be my go-to genre. You can find me by this username on twitter and curiouscat, so feel free to drop in!


End file.
